Monique’s two children died in a traffic accident

Three teenagers from the same village get into a traffic accident after a night out. The driver survives, but his passengers, a brother and sister, do not. What now? Mother Monique: “Thanks to the mediator we can look back at an open and honest conversation.”

“I had been saying it for years already: ‘At some point, I want to talk to Rens.’ It was a guy from our village, Rens, who gave our Nick (19) and Ellen (17) a ride home after a night out in 2009. He lost control of the steering wheel and our two children died. Nick and Ellen’s friends knew about my wish. They still visit us on their birthdays and their day of death. One of these boys told us in late 2016 that Rens was open to getting in contact.”

“We’d already arranged a meeting, but then someone said: ‘Why don’t you ask Perspectief Herstelbemiddeling to guide the conversation? Didn’t you have a good experience with them already?’ And looking back, I’m very glad we asked for their help.”

“I approached Perspectief mediator Francis, who we already knew because of a car accident that my husband had been involved in. Francis had guided us and the other party very well at the time. She agreed to meet with us and asked us to postpone the meeting with Rens: she wanted to properly prepare with both parties before the meeting. We talked to her twice. ‘How do you envision this meeting?’ she asked. ‘What would you like to hear from him and what do you want to say?’ Only then we realized how important it is to make sure that the goal of the meeting is clear for everyone. 

“I immediately knew: this is bad”
“We hoped that Rens could tell us what happened and what was said in those last hours, minutes, seconds before the accident. The weather had been great in those days. Ellen had the summer of her life: she had just finished high school, she had gone on vacation with one of her friends and attended party after party. Nick was studying accountancy in Rotterdam, was a fanatic athlete and had a vacation job at a printing house. It was the first time brother and sister were going out together.” 

“That night I checked my phone every hour, because usually they would ask me to pick them up. But they didn’t call, and didn’t return my calls either. Early in the morning, the doorbell rang. Halfway down the stairs I recognized the black shoes and black trousers through the window of my front door. I immediately knew: this is bad, for both of them. And then… your world collapses. Still, giving up was not an option. We wanted our youngest son Kevin to have a good childhood, make him feel that he was worth it for us to keep going.”

“Shortly after the accident, we met with Rens and his parents, at our house. Rens was a young guy of 20 years old at the time and it was hard for him to talk about it. His parents kept repeating: ‘Rens didn’t do it on purpose.’ We knew that, of course. But because of this, the conversation didn’t really offer any space for our loss. From that moment on, we didn’t have any contact anymore, although we did run into each other in the village sometimes.”

“My husband Ludo and I told mediator Francis that in this new meeting we wanted to hear from Rens that he understood how terrible it was for us. She immediately said: ‘Is that really what you want? Because if you enter the conversation like this, you’re basically telling Rens what to do. You’re asking him to say something he might not mean.’ She recommended that we let go of our expectations. She also proposed to meet in a neutral location rather than our house. This way, she also took care of Rens’ needs.”

“We really wanted to feel it”
“March 11th 2017, the meeting took place. Francis opened the conversation and first gave us the chance to talk about how we felt about the situation. I told him that I felt extremely ignored. Shortly after the accident, for example, we heard that Rens was having fun at the local fair. This hurt a lot, and I don’t understand that his parents protected him.”

“After that, Rens told us how difficult the accident had been for him. That he really cannot remember anything of it, and that he was very sorry that he didn’t try to contact us sooner. We could tell that the event still affects him a lot and that he definitely does find it all terrible for us. In a way, we already knew this, but we really wanted to feel it. In the meantime, the mediator guided the conversation, summarized what had been said and took us back to the essence if we strayed from the subject.”

“We felt relieved when the meeting was over. I was able to tell Rens with sincerity that we knew he didn’t do it on purpose and that he should move on with his life.”

Meeting went well because of the help
“We realize that our meeting went well because of the help we got from Francis. Otherwise I would have put words into his mouth and it wouldn’t have been an open and honest conversation. A few days after the meeting, we evaluated with Francis and I thanked her for both the mediation and her sympathy, genuine concern and extreme diligence.”

“The grief for our loss of Nick and Ellen hasn’t faded ever since, but we did fulfil our need to talk to Rens. Now I no longer need to think about this, and that takes away a lot of negative energy. I know I will no longer tense up when I run into him, but will greet him softly.’

Read the story of Rens here.