“I told the causer of the accident: ‘Move on with your life’”

Anneke (63) got in contact with the co-causer of the accident, and said: “Please move on with your life, make something good of it.”

The accident

On November 25th 2016, Anneke stood on a traffic island, holding onto her bike, waiting to cross the last part of a busy road. A driver, a man, stopped, and signaled for her to cross. But the woman in the car behind the man saw that he was letting someone cross too late, and could no longer dodge him. The first car was bumped forward, and hit Anneke, who hit her head hard on the asphalt. A trauma helicopter brought her to the Radboud UMC, where she immediately got surgery to reduce the swelling in her brain. Anneke now deals with the consequences of her non-congenital brain injury. 

“In one minute, your life can change completely,’ Anneke says. “I’ve always been very conscious of this fact. For me and my husband, this has always been a reason to enjoy every single day, and not to wait until we’re 65. But the way your life can change within a few seconds, I could never have imagined. I used to be such a busy bee: babysitting my grandsons, cleaning at my brother’s. Sadly, I can no longer do these things. Still, I don’t blame anybody for the accident.”

Husband Martien: “The doctors gave us barely any hope for recovery, and they see the way she’s doing now as a miracle. After twelve days she came to, although she doesn’t remember any of it. For me, it was important to know exactly what happened in the accident. Anneke also wanted to meet the people who were involved in the accident. So did the driver of the second car.” “I wanted to get to know her,” Anneke adds. “To tell her that I know she didn’t do it on purpose. It was an accident.”

Martien: “Through a family police officer who helped us after the accident, we made an appointment with the driver. A police officer would be present during this meeting. Unfortunately, the driver cancelled, she wasn’t ready for it yet. We talked about this with our contact person from LetselCare, and they mentioned Perspectief Herstelbemiddeling. The police eventually referred us to them. Shortly after that, Perspectief mediator Maud came to our house to talk about why we wanted mediation. With this information, she contacted the driver, who then agreed to meet again.”      

It was a bad experience for all the people involved

Anneke: “During the preparation, we agreed that we wouldn’t talk about the judicial proceedings following the accident, because the investigation was still ongoing. I also didn’t feel the need for this. I just found it nice to get in contact with this woman. Maud let me talk first during the meeting, because I had asked for the meeting in the first place. I told her that it was a bad experience for all of the people involved, for her too. She then told me how guilty she felt, that she often wakes up at night with images of the accident flashing through her head, and that she can’t get back to sleep.”

“I was mainly shocked to hear that she didn’t receive any help,” Martien says. “The day after the accident she called both the police and the hospital to ask how Anneke was doing, and because of privacy reasons she never got any answers. This must have been horrible for her.”

Anneke: “It was a very emotional conversation. I hope she noticed that I’m not angry. ‘Please sleep rest assured from now on,’ I told her. And: ‘Move on with your life. Make something good of it.’ I also do that as best I can. I need to plan my days carefully, I’m still rehabilitating and examining my limits with the help of a non-congenital injury specialist. We’re also getting support with things like household tasks. Still, I don’t let any of these changes stop me from enjoying life. I’m happy I got to know the co-causer of the accident, and she’s always welcome for a coffee.”

Maud, mediator of Perspectief Herstelbemiddeling

“Through a referral from the police, I got the request from Anneke to arrange a meeting with the causer of the accident. I visited both of them separately to talk to them. These conversations are always confidential, I only relay information from these meetings from one person to the other if they agree with that. My role is neutral, I make sure the wants and needs of both people remain central. For the driver, it was nice to hear that Anneke doesn’t blame her and just wanted to get to know her. This woman felt extremely guilty, the accident had a big impact on her as well. I made the agreement with both of them that we would not be talking about truth-finding regarding the accident, because the police investigation was still ongoing. This way it was safe enough for the causer of the accident to meet and talk.”

Both women were very happy with the meeting

“The preparation for the eventual mediation is extensive. This way nobody will be surprised by what the other is going to say. The meeting always takes place in a neutral location. Both people can bring a supportive figure with them. For Anneke it was her husband, for the driver it was a relative of hers. I also make agreements with them about their contribution. Anneke sympathized a lot with the driver during the meeting, and asked how she experienced the accident and what effects it had on her. The consequences had been severe for her as well. The driver also wanted to know how Anneke was recovering after the accident. Both women were very happy with the meeting, and exchanged contact details when they parted.”

“I often see that participants feel relieved and less anxious after the contact. It’s a great good when the causer of an accident can also get recognition from the victim. It helps them take a next step, creating a different perspective for both parties.