“Meeting her sister was an important part of my closure.”

On Christmas Eve of 2020, Eva (25) hit a cyclist with her car. The woman on the bike wasn’t paying attention; it wasn’t Eva’s fault. The woman died. The victim’s sister wanted to talk to Eva afterwards, to let her know she was not to blame. 

“Two years ago I got off work a bit early, because it was Christmas Eve. It was about 5 PM, and it was already dark outside when I drove home from work. Out of nowhere, a crossing cyclist appeared in front of my car. I didn’t even have time to hit the brakes. To me, it felt like the collision wasn’t that hard, but when I got out and ran towards the woman, I saw blood pooling around her head. Some bystanders quickly brought me back to my car, where I waited for emergency services to arrive. I could not cry, I was feeling too many emotions. Later, police told me that I had been in shock.”

Didn't I look at my phone? 

“At the police station, I was questioned and tested for alcohol and drugs. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong, but I still started doubting myself: did I really pay attention? Didn’t I accidentally look at my phone? Of course I was blaming myself for hitting that woman. The only thing I knew about her, was that she didn’t have a husband or children. Even when the police confirmed that I was not to blame for the accident, it didn’t feel that way. I was innocent, but I didn’t feel that way.

My mom realized very quickly that this accident might well have been very traumatic for me, and immediately sprang into action. She made me drive us home that night, while she was in the seat next to me. I think I drove under 10km/h. You need to overcome your fear immediately, she thought. And that worked. She also took me to the doctor and we started to search for a psychologist.”

Nightmares

“I had a very difficult time after that. I had nightmares, I couldn’t concentrate, and I kept thinking about the accident. I was also afraid that people would recognize me in the street. After the accident, a journalist from the local paper came to take pictures at the spot where it happened, and my car was still there. I live in a small village, and I thought people in the supermarket would think: she is that person who hit and killed someone with her car. Eventually, the conversations with my psychologist helped me to process everything. Luckily, my employer was very helpful and gave me time to recover. 

The meeting between me and the victim’s sister was also very helpful. Through family police I heard that she wanted to meet with me to let me know she did not blame me. Beforehand, I was very nervous, but the meeting was very pleasant and I got an answer to my questions. I was told that the woman had been a bit confused and chaotic, and that explained why she had crossed the road so suddenly without looking. The meeting with her sister was an important part of my closure. Now, two years after it happened, I can say I was able to process it and I no longer feel guilty. I also no longer have to take a detour to avoid the spot where the accident happened, but I do always feel some tension when I pass it. I will never be carefree in my car again.”