Rens: “Having this conversation was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

Rens (28) was happy that Monique wanted to talk to him eight years after the accident in which she lost her two children. And even though it was the hardest thing he’s ever done, he’s very grateful that the conversation took place. “I wanted to do something good for Monique and Ludo so badly.”

“The steps that me and my parents took or didn’t take after the accident were not good. This drove a wedge between Monique, Ludo, and my family. It only made it harder to get in contact with them. So I was very happy to hear that Monique wanted to talk. But then the question was: how? An intermediary was hard to find in our area, and we didn’t want to bother the one friend we had in common with this.”

“It was important for me that a neutral person was present during the meeting, who could support both parties and would know what I and they really wanted to say. Especially with this new chance, it was crucial that we would really understand each other.”

“Eventually, Perspectief Herstelbemiddeling came into the picture. Prior to the meeting I talked to the mediator twice. I immediately felt safe with her. She was very clear about her role: facilitating a good mediation. She wasn’t there more for one person or the other, despite the fact that she already knew Monique. This impartiality was the reason I decided to go through with the mediation. You tend to start defending yourself when you feel like it’s two against one.”

“’What is your goal for this conversation?’ she asked me. I wanted to do something good for Monique and Ludo so badly: if possible I wanted to answer their questions and hopefully contribute to the processing of their loss. During the second conversation, Francis suggested I might also feel a bit better myself by helping them.”

“Touched my soul”
“In the days and hours before the meeting took place, I really questioned myself: why am I doing this? At the same time I knew that I had to and wanted to do this. Having this conversation was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Monique started by telling me what the loss of Nick and Ellen had meant for her and her family, and what they had been going through ever since. We really missed the mark at the time with our attitude. My parents thought: he’s still here, despite his injuries because of the accident. Let’s protect him from everything surrounding the accident, so that he can go back to normal as soon as possible. This hurt Ludo and Monique even more, when that’s the last thing I wanted.”

“During the meeting, I cried like a little kid. And I gave answers when I could. I find it horrible that I still can’t remember anything from the evening or the night of the accident, and will owe them these answers forever.”

“What I remember the most, are Monique’s words at the end. She told me that she and her husband had wanted this conversation so that they can move on. She hoped the conversation would also be good for me, and that I could also move on. This touched my soul. That you can say this after losing two children, after years of difficult contact; I could barely understand. It meant so much to me.”

“A few months after the meeting, I had a call with mediator Francis. In the meantime I had been able to let the meeting sink in. She told me that Ludo and Monique look back positively on the meeting. This aftercare was very nice. I’ve felt better since the meeting, I’m more stable now. I got a post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from the accident, which is accompanied by severe depressions. Some days are better than others, and there are also days that I don’t go outside of my room.”

“I would like others to know…”
“I would like others to know: if we had done restorative mediation earlier, Ludo and Monique would have been spared a lot of grief and pain. So don’t hesitate. We both didn’t know how the other was feeling. If I had been aware of this, I would have been able to keep it in mind and take it into account. This mediation was very important to me.”