At the age of 38, Sas realizes through flashbacks that she was sexually abused in her early childhood. She slowly starts feeling the need to get in contact with the offender. When she finds out that it’s not possible to find his contact information, she decides to get in contact with Rick instead. Rick has sexually abused young children, and is trying to turn his actions into something positive. In a one-on-one Samenspraak meeting, Sas and Rick* have a conversation under the guidance of mediator Tamara, to talk about what they went through, and to share their perspectives on it.
*The names of the participants have been changed for privacy reasons.
The reason for applying
All her life, Sas wondered what was wrong with her, and why she was anxious and prone to panic attacks. She ends up in an identity crisis when, at 38 years old, she slowly realizes through flashbacks that she was abused in her early childhood by a student who lived with the family. Her reason for applying with Perspectief was a podcast about guilt. Sas: “I was touched by the perpetrators who took accountability for their actions. A desire to sign up for mediation slowly grew within me, even though I had no idea what to expect. Reporting it to the police was pointless. The abuse had taken place 36 years ago and my case was time-barred.
Once she got in contact with mediator Tamara, she found out there were several options. Tamara: “At first, Sas wanted to get in contact with an offender, but not necessarily her offender. Then she said she never actually considered that contact with her own offender was an option. She wanted to try that first. When we found out it wasn’t possible to find his contact information, we started to explore other options step-by-step.”
Sas: “Trying to find the contact details of my offender on my own was like looking for a needle in a haystack, and I had enough on my plate for the time being. But I wanted to continue with the mediation anyway, to get in contact with an offender of a similar crime. Because of my experience as a coach and with family constellation therapy, I know what the effect of a representative can be."
“I often hear that victims ask themselves what they did wrong. I want to tell them that they shouldn’t blame themselves, and that they should leave the responsibility for what happened with the offender.”
The preparation
Rick has sexually abused young children, and is trying to turn his actions into something positive. Rick: “The sexual abuse has an impact on my life. I feel down. I did something I didn’t want to, but I did it anyway to make myself feel better in some way. I often hear that victims ask themselves what they did wrong. I want to tell them that they shouldn’t blame themselves, and that they should leave the responsibility for what happened with the offender. I also wanted to give an answer to the questions this victim had.”
Tamara: “The preparation was not very different from other mediations between victims and offenders of the same event. The main difference is that both victim and offender need to realize that the offender cannot give recognition or take responsibility for what happened to the victim. In this case, they both sensed this correctly. They were both open and willing to engage in the process.”
“The care and diligence of the mediator during the preparation process touched me. She listened, honored our agreements, and acted respectfully. I felt heard and seen without judgment.”
Sas: “All in all the preparation process took half a year, with several contact moments with the mediator in between. These moments were very confronting and healing at the same time. I was invited to decide for myself what I needed and what I wanted. Questions were asked that I had never thought about before. These questions allowed me to get in touch with deeper layers within myself. My whole life, I had been afraid, and had not trusted adults. Now, I wanted to take good care of the ‘small, frightened part in me’. It was a chance to talk to an offender, and at the same time I was curious whether I would be able to take good care of myself -including the frightened part in me- in that moment. I also wanted to meet the offender as a person beyond his actions. I also had a lot of questions that kept coming up over the years that I could not find a fulfilling answer to. The care and diligence of the mediator during the preparation process touched me. She listened, honored our agreements, and acted respectfully. I felt heard and seen without judgment.”
“Something shifted inside of me, and with that I was suddenly freed from an old belief. All those years I thought I was bad, and now I could leave the blame with the offender.”
The meeting
The day of the meeting came. Sas: “I was surprised about my calmness and the faith I had in myself. When the offender entered, I hesitated for a moment about how to greet him. I walked up to him and asked if he wanted to shake my hand. He did, and so we met each other ‘for real’ for a moment, kind of like a scan from both sides.” Rick told his story, and Sas listened to what motivated him to take accountability. She is grateful that he wanted to do this for her, because Rick is not her offender. Sas also asked all of her questions. During the conversation with Rick, Sas felt something happening inside her.
Sas: “Something shifted inside of me, and with that I was suddenly freed from an old belief. All those years I thought I was bad, and now I could leave the blame with the offender. This made me feel like I had suddenly become emotionally mature. This meeting brought everything together, and like the last piece of a puzzle, something has been completed now. I regained a sense of peace within myself and I feel 20 kilos lighter now.”
“I was once again confronted with the impact of the crime I committed and what the consequences can be for victims.”
The conversation with Sas is also emotional for Rick. Rick: “I was once again confronted with the impact of the crime I committed and what the consequences can be for victims. This made me look for answers. How could I have committed such an act? Even though I know what the main reasons were, it’s still painful. I have made victims, and I am responsible for that, now I need to be open to criticism and take the blow. At the same time, it’s given me a boost to use my experience and perspective more often to help victims, but also offenders.
Sas: “Starting the process of restorative mediation is a personal process that someone will only start if they feel the need for it from within. For me, it offered a lot of peace and insight. I hope to inspire others with this, and I can say from experience; you can leave this behind you. I am very grateful to everyone who contributed to this.
“With what Rick said, he took blame away from Sas. Taking blame away from the victim is something that can also happen in a mediation between victim and offender of the same event.”
Tamara was also impressed by what this mediation led to and what effects it had. Tamara: “I did not expect what happened during the meeting. Rick said something that I could tell made Sas emotional. With what Rick said, he took blame away from Sas. Taking blame away from the victim is something that can also happen in a mediation between victim and offender of the same event. Despite this being a different kind of mediation, the dynamic can apparently still be similar. While I already strongly believed in mediation between people who were involved in the same kind of crime, but not the same event, I was still surprised to see just how meaningful this can be to people.”
In Samenspraak group meetings or one-on-one Samenspraak meetings, people who were involved in a similar crime, but not the same event, get in contact with each other. This is possible when a person does not want to get in contact with their specific victim or offender, or when contact details of their victim/offender are unknown, or their victim/offender doesn’t want to get in contact with them. If you want to know more about the other options besides regular mediation, click here.
