“The conversation with my uncle gave me space and empowerment, and that’s what mattered to me.”

When she was 43, Gaby had a conversation with her uncle, who sexually abused her when she was a child. “I wanted to hand the secret and the responsibility regarding all of this back to him, and with that take back my agency and my freedom. When I was 16 I didn’t feel these things, and wouldn’t have been able to say all of this. I can now see his acts as separate from the person. I can see him as human behind the abuse.”
 

I didn’t have to think long about working with Perspectief Herstelbemiddeling to write down my story. I want to do this! The work they do is very valuable, and I couldn’t have wished for better guidance in this process. But there was still quite a barrier, something I hadn’t completely overcome yet: shame. My story about not being able and allowed to speak, and my journey to healing, can now escape the silence; the last piece of my voice can be freed. I don’t have to be ashamed. It’s a societal issue that should be put to light, as recognition for all victims and their loved ones. 

 

My message is this: whichever point you are at in your healing journey, break free from the shame and the guilt; it’s not yours. Even if my story reaches only one person that is faced with the choice to no longer keep silent about their sexual abuse, and free themselves from their secret… or someone who is questioning whether they want to talk to their offender or victim. Let my writing be that last push for them. If you do this, you give back the responsibility to the person it belongs to. 

My name is Gaby, and I was sexually abused by my uncle. It started when I was 7, and ended when I was 11. The abuse and the hush around it paralyzed me for years, and the impact of it was a central thread throughout my life. My uninhibited childhood was taken from me, memories from my childhood are hard to recall. Always being alert, being alone with my heavy secret, not being heard, not being seen, imprisoned in my own cocoon. The only moments I was able to relax and enjoy were the moments when I was sure he wouldn’t be able to come there. 

When I was 16, my internal bomb exploded, and I told my story to my family. Out of anger, pain and hurt I was able to direct myself towards my uncle. This huge family secret couldn’t come out at the time, and no police report was made. For me, it felt like I had no choice in this, I was only 16, and kept silent once again. Looking back, I should have made a police report then, mainly for myself, but also to save the other kids that followed from this suffering. Because I didn’t report it, I felt guilty about those other kids for a long time, while there was only one person who should feel guilty and who was responsible for this. A trial followed in 2008 anyway, and for the first time, I felt like I was able to tell my story and make my own report. I was not ready to use my right to speak in court yet at that moment. 

My whole life, I was afraid to say what I wanted to say. I didn’t even know the difference between setting my boundaries, standing up for myself, letting my voice be heard and finding my own empowerment. This was because my boundaries and inner empowerment were taken from me at such a young age. My inner voice had been paralyzed on all fronts, my own boundaries completely blurred. Even when I wanted to stand up for myself or speak from my own feelings, I couldn’t. When I did speak from my own feelings, tears would come up, endless, suppressed tears. Accepting these tears time and time again was a process on its own. 

After reading the world-renowned book ‘The Choice’ by Edith Eva Eger, it became clear to me that I was keeping myself trapped in this trauma. I was a spectator to my life and wasn’t really living. I had a choice to step out of this and choose my own freedom again. I was 31, a new mother, and only then I was able to start processing my pain, 24 years later. Before I had my kids, I had my life ‘under control’. I lived from control, control over my emotions. There was only one way, which was, like Edith describes in her book, to go back to those memories under careful guidance, to express my anger and sadness about it, and to then accept it and let go. Always with the faith that I was able to do this and that my core was never broken. It was necessary to understand this lonely suffering in order to eventually live again. 

After a journey of over 10 years to process this, I was confronted with a dominant person in a work situation. He accused me of not having been honest and having been manipulative, and once again, a bomb exploded inside of me. After struggling with dominant people my entire life, I now knew: this isn’t right, and perhaps for the first time in my life I was able to stand up for myself. After this incident I immediately thought: if I can do this, then I can once again let my voice be heard by my uncle. My voice now, but especially my voice as a little child, a.k.a. an innocent little girl. I had only really gotten to know this little girl during my healing process, the unharmed girl that I always was before all of it started. 

All of this eventually led to me finding my self-empowerment and being able to have this conversation with my uncle at the age of 43. Trust is extremely important, and once it is broken, it’s extremely difficult to regain it. I now learned to let go of control and to trust. Partly because of the really good preparation and guidance from my mediator, I was able to have the conversation in good faith. Everything was allowed to be. Starting as the fragile little girl and moved to tears, I told him about the impact it had had on me, and during the 45 minute conversation, I grew with my words into the adult woman that I am now, fully empowered. 

I also wanted to hand the secret and the responsibility regarding all of this back to him, and with that take back my agency and my freedom. When I was 16 I didn’t feel these things, and wouldn’t have been able to say all of this. I can now see his acts as separate from the person. I can see him as human behind the abuse, with his own baggage and an innocent child inside. For whatever reason, he showed this kind of behavior, but he probably didn’t want this either. I accepted him the way he was in this situation. 

We had mutual respect for each other in this conversation. I took back responsibility for my life, my empowerment. He took back responsibility by being there and listening to my story. I listened to what he had to say. I found it courageous of him that he did this, but I wasn’t touched. For me, this was the confirmation that I had given full recognition to the victim inside of me, and was no longer dependent on others’ recognition.

In a way, I was also there to let the collective voice of other innocent, hurt children be heard. The voice of my loved ones who were still so full of grief, anger, powerlessness, and guilt about the fact that they weren’t able to protect me. My family, they also deserved a voice. I often wrongfully expressed the baggage I carried with me to them in the form of anger, frustration and feelings of powerlessness. 

The fact that fate decided I had to go through this was a heavy fate, but I am still grateful, because throughout my journey of recovery, I found out where my strength lies. This made me choose to get re-educated, and now I have my own coaching and therapy practice, where I help people on their journey of life, with the mission to give recognition and a voice to their inner child. Before I was able to help other people with this, and able to trust the path that had been laid out for me, I had only one task to fulfill, and that was to give my own little girl her voice back. Now that I’ve said everything that I wanted to say and now that I’ve given full recognition to the victim in me, I made the choice that from now on, I will no longer be that frightened little victim that I once was. I let go of the hope for a better past. I wished him wisdom and luck on his journey of life. 

Gaby has her own coaching and therapy practice and would like to help others with their recovery. If you want to get in contact with her, you can e-mail us.

Read more about restorative mediation after sexual abuse.