“As a child, I couldn’t stand up for myself, and now I can.”

For a time during high school, Sarah* (25) was tutored almost weekly. She realises now that the transgressive behaviour that the man, a family friend, showed towards her, was not okay. “I wanted to let him know how it had affected me, and how it still affects me.” Through Perspectief Herstelbemiddeling, she tried to have a meeting with him.

Among other things, the revelations about sexual misconduct at The Voice of Holland, got Sarah thinking. “It was a confirmation for me. I felt heard and I thought, I’m not the only one. This also falls under sexual misconduct. Shortly before that, I had told a friend about what had happened in the past. I did some thinking, and I concluded: I need to solve something at the root of what happened.”

Uncomfortable

“From when I was 12 years old, I visited a much older friend of the family in his house to get math tutoring. He was trying to push the limits with his behaviour, and he crossed them as well. It was a pattern that developed slowly, I wasn’t really aware of it. I thought: this is weird, this makes me feel uncomfortable. But I would come back the next week anyway, and it became a habit. He showed me affectionate behaviour directly, by a touch or a kiss, but also indirectly, for example through text messages. To me it felt very awkward and constricting, and I was also scared. At the same time, I protected him and doubted myself. I talked about it at home sometimes, and other times I said nothing and bottled it up.”

“When I started studying after high school, I approached a counsellor there to tell them about this. They talked to me about restorative mediation, and I thought: this might help me. Help me in the process of understanding what has happened, but also understanding how I want to react if it would happen again in the future. As a child, I couldn’t stand up for myself, and now I can. I wanted to let him know how it had affected me, and how it still affects me. I wanted him to realise the impact this kind of behaviour can have on others. I also wanted to know why he did what he did.” 

No judgment

That was the reason for Sarah to apply for restorative mediation at Perspectief Herstelbemiddeling. An intake with a mediator followed. “That was very nice, she was very understanding. I felt heard and taken seriously. No judgment, like for example: ‘this is a gray area’ or ‘this is very bad’ or ‘this is not bad at all’. Just that conversation on its own already felt like recognition. It was explained very clearly what could happen, what I should expect. We discussed when could be a good moment to initiate the contact, and what form I would like it to take. I was in control about that, and that felt really nice.” After the intake with Sarah, the mediator contacted the family friend. “He didn’t want to talk to me through Perspectief Herstelbemiddeling. I wanted it that way so that I could keep control over it. It would be my moment to express my feelings, and I wanted the support of a mediator for that. He didn’t want that, and that was disappointing. I wanted to close the chapter this way. I hope he might still want to have the conversation with me in the future.” 

Strong

“Ever since I applied for mediation at Perspectief Herstelbemiddeling I’ve gotten to know myself better. I’m realising how strong I am and always have been. I’ve also learned that I did not apply for nothing, and I will keep clinging to that reason. Learning about all of this has done a lot for me.” Sarah would like to advise other victims to speak up. “If you have doubts about whether what happened to you was really transgressive behaviour and misconduct, listen to your gut. Ask for help, don’t try to figure everything out yourself. Ask for help with a friend or family member, a psychologist, or with Perspectief Herstelbemiddeling. Let someone else think with you. That could diminish the chance that you leave something for what it is but are still bothered by it.”

* at the request of the participant, we have changed their name and photo.