Feline: “I owe it to myself to live life to the fullest.”

Feline (31) fell victim to sexual assault when she was sixteen years old. After years of therapy, she wanted to let the perpetrator know what kind of impact this had had on her life. Sixteen years later, she meets with him. “Eventually, I dared to look the perpetrator in the eyes, and I read a letter to him, letting him know what kind of impact it had had on my life ever since it happened. Such a release.”

When she is sixteen, Feline is raped in her parents’ house, by a family acquaintance, a friend of her half-brother. “I was scared of him, I thought he was very unpredictable. I was afraid of what would happen if I ran outside and scream for help. I struggled and screamed on the inside, but not on the outside. I froze. Afterwards, I was angry with myself for this, and I blamed myself for what happened. Now, I know that about 70% of victims of sexual assault freeze as a coping mechanism, and that this is what happened to me in that moment.”

What impact did this have on your life?

“I’m 31 now, and have spent almost half my life doing inner work, therapy, and coaching to be able to heal from this big trauma. Other experiences in my youth also played a role in it, but this traumatic experience was certainly at the core of why I ended up in a dark place. It affected me so much that there was a time that I did not want to continue living, and even had suicidal thoughts. It also led to me running from it by doing a lot of things that weren’t good for me. I didn’t feel safe, not in my own house, and not in my own body.”

“Shortly after what happened, the perpetrator said I could never tell my family about it. I took that very seriously. I did not tell anybody about it for seven years, I also didn’t know how to put it into words. I didn’t go to the police, because it was someone I knew, and I was afraid of the consequences of filing a police report. After what happened, the perpetrator came back to our house a few more times. After that, I created some distance between us. And after that, I never saw him again. Until the mediation.”

“I went on to study pedagogy, and specialized as a therapist. During my studies, I got handed a lot of tools to deal with my own trauma, and to help in cases similar to my own. After that, I got professional help, and that helped me understand my family structure and my own emotions. I started seeing what was really going on, why I was so afraid and why I couldn’t really make contact with my own body yet. I was open to experiencing: hey, I still need to do something with this.”

Nine years after it happened, Feline goes to the police. She makes a report of the rape, and also of her situation at home. “I was still afraid to make the report and I also kept receiving threats that I was afraid of. Still, I would advise others to make a police report. Even if it seems really scary, the sooner you start sharing your story, the sooner you can start healing. And the sooner you can provide help and support to yourself.”

When did you hear about restorative mediation and why did you decide to apply?

“At the police station, I received a flyer about restorative mediation. That planted a seed in my head. I saved it for years. And then years after that, when I contacted Victim Support Netherlands, they referred me to Perspectief Herstelbemiddeling to get in contact with the perpetrator. I wanted to let him know what kind of impact it had had on my life. This is something that I had to grow into, because at first I was unable to assign words to it. It’s been a gradual process over several years. After my self-image improved, which was necessary to even say anything to him in the first place, I decided to apply for restorative mediation.”

Feline calls Perspectief Herstelbemiddeling and is connected to mediator Manon, who guides the process. In the fall of 2018, she has her first intake. The actual mediation eventually takes place halfway into 2020. “It was a long process. The guidance I got was amazing, I felt very supported by Manon.” 

The process takes this long because the perpetrator avoids arranging a meeting for a long time, because of his personal circumstances. “For a long time, I felt some acquiescence in the waiting. I had already waited for sixteen years, after all. The fact that the perpetrator now knew what the meeting would be about felt scary, but also nice. Because if the meeting would not take place in the end, he would still know what I thought about what happened.”

“In the time leading up to the meeting, I was very well-prepared by Manon, in face to face meetings and conversations on the phone. I wanted to read a letter to him. Writing the letter was a big task for me as well. I wrote the letter following the method The Work of Byron Katie. This helped me to come to forgiveness, first as a gift to myself. Forgiveness meant to me that I didn’t keep the grudge that had been making me feel sick, even physically. I owed it to myself to live life to the fullest again, and to once again become the pure Feline I used to be.”

How did the meeting go? 

“The meeting took place in a neutral location. My partner came with me and waited in the hallway. Before the meeting, I was very scared. In my head, I had made a monster out of the perpetrator. In my head, he was very big, but it turned out he was actually shorter than me. That definitely surprised me. I read the letter to him. The perpetrator was prepared for that. Manon said beforehand: don’t expect anything. So I went into the meeting with zero expectations.

He said ‘sorry’ twice. I was already surprised he had come to the meeting, and I was grateful for the courage it had taken for him to come. It actually moved me that someone was open to come and listen to my story. He didn’t completely acknowledge how it all happened from my perspective, but my expectations had been so low that I hadn’t even expected an apology. While I was reading the letter and while he apologized, I shed tears from my eyes and nose; such an intense release.”  

How are you now?

“I’m doing good. After the meeting, I had to take a couple of days to let everything settle. After that, I did still have some questions for him, and I was able to ask them through the mediator. For example, I wanted to know whether he was going to talk about it to our mutual acquaintances. Eventually, I let it go.”

What did the mediation do for you?

“It gave me an inner cleansing. It’s like an enormous weight got lifted off my shoulders because of the meeting. I finally felt free. June 17th 2020 is etched into my memory; it’s my liberation day. I am forever grateful to Manon and Perspectief Herstelbemiddeling for their help in making this meeting possible. Manon helped me to see that solutions and opportunities can be found even in situations that seem like they have no way out.”

“Apart from relief and the feeling of success, the mediation also gave me more softness in my heart. It gave me confirmation of my belief that I should always listen to my intuition. It taught me how to walk my own path. A message I would like to give to others is: however hard the road is, it is so worth it, when you are ready for it, to go and have that conversation. You create so much more safety and security for yourself. And a new way to heal.” 

Feline works as a therapist and wants to help other rape survivors on their path to healing. If you want to get in contact with her, you can e-mail us at info@perspectiefherstelbemiddeling.nl.

Read more about restorative mediation after sexual abuse.