*The names of those involved have been changed for privacy reasons; the photo is not of the interviewee.
On the last night of her graduation trip to Spain, an intimate encounter with a Dutch boy went much further than she wanted or had indicated. Sofie, who was still a minor at the time, had her life turned upside down. With the help of Perspectief Herstelbemiddeling, she hoped to find a way to process her questions and emotions: “Since the mediation, I no longer feel stuck in this situation, and I’m really glad about that.” A conversation with Sofie and her mother Paula.
Sofie: “I came home from my trip feeling very confused. I kept asking myself whose fault it was. I wasn’t sure anymore exactly how I felt, and I found it very difficult to confront my truth and my experience. I soon told my parents what had happened. In the days that followed, they asked, ‘Do you want to file a police report?’ But I couldn’t make up my mind. Part of the issue was that we had mutual friends. What would filing a report mean socially if I accused a mutual friend? Could I handle the reactions? In hindsight, I wished that I had screamed that night, run away, hit him... I didn’t do any of that. And I already had my own judgment about that, let alone from others.”
Finding a way to deal with anger
Sofie’s father contacted the police to get more information. An officer then mentioned Perspectief Herstelbemiddeling. A year and a half after the incident, Sofie’s mother, Paula, brought up this option again with her daughter: “Sofie felt a sense of injustice, like: I’ve been suffering from this for months, and he can just go on with his life.”
Sofie: “My mother thought mediation could help me find a way to deal with my anger. Because I kept thinking I’d gotten over it – I wrote and talked about it a lot, including with a psychologist – but my emotions kept getting triggered all over again. And there was another reason why I wanted to meet him: I hoped that after this, he’d treat girls differently.”
The first meeting with the mediator
Paula: “As Sofie's mother, I made the initial contact with Perspectief Herstelbemiddeling. During a phone call with mediator Petra, I described the situation from my perspective. The option to file a police report was still on the table, and I discussed this with Petra as well. After that, the three of us arranged to meet.”
Sofie: “This first meeting with Petra brought up a lot of feelings. On the one hand, I was glad to be able to tell my story; on the other hand, I found it very emotional and painful. I noticed that I was constantly trying to sense whether Petra believed me or not. After an hour, I was exhausted.”
During that period, Sofie decided definitively not to file a report. “Ultimately, what mattered to me was that I could tell my side of the story and ask him questions about the things I didn’t understand.”
The preparation
After this initial meeting, Sofie indicated that she wanted to proceed with the mediation. Mediator Petra contacted the boy and asked if he would be willing to participate. After some thought, he was open to the idea. Sofie: “During the second appointment with Petra, we prepared for the conversation. She had already spoken with the boy and told him about the topics that might come up in the mediation. He also had questions for me. This really affected me; I felt judged by it, but I decided not to take it personally. Petra and I agreed that I would write a letter to read aloud during our meeting. I knew that there was a good chance I would freeze up or start trying to appease him during the conversation, and now I had the letter to fall back on.”
The day of the meeting
The meeting took place at the Perspectief Herstelbemiddeling office. Sofie: “Quite scary. Once I got there, I just wanted to run away. Petra was waiting for me, and together we went into the room where he was already sitting. Petra made it clear that she was there for both of us and that she would step in if the conversation went off track. She asked us how we had experienced that particular evening, not in terms of facts but on an emotional level. I had a hard time finding the right words. Petra soon guided us to my letter, which I read aloud.”
“I felt it was a very beautiful letter. I didn’t write about truth or blame, but about how I experienced the situation. I also included questions so that I could better understand the situation. Because we were doing something that could have been very beautiful. How come you didn’t hear me?”
Unanswered questions
“He responded diplomatically and with understanding. And then he told his side of the story. He also brought up the unexpected encounter we had shortly after returning from our trip. In a panic, I had run into a bathroom and stayed there. This had startled him. He was later told by a friend that he should leave me alone, and that's what he did. He also said that he had found it difficult that the incident had become widely known. When the conversation fell silent again, Petra suggested that he read my letter himself.”
“After that he kind of answered my questions. He said that if he had heard my ‘no,’ he wouldn’t have continued. So, I realized there’s actually not really an answer to my question. In the end, we made arrangements with Petra about what would happen if we came across each other through our friend groups. At that moment, I was okay with running into each other. Later that year, I decided I didn’t want that anymore either. I’m granting myself some peace.”
“This process has been so valuable. Something happened that she didn’t want, and together they worked it out.”
No longer consumed by emotions
“In the weeks after our meeting, I noticed that I wasn’t consumed by the situation anymore. That I was no longer getting caught up in emotions like anger, fear and sadness. It has now become a part of me, but it is no longer the most important part. The mediation really helped me to process things. I actually don’t care anymore what other people think of it, because this is how I experience it. There may be multiple truths, but this is mine. It just wasn’t my fault, you know. I made myself clear enough. Sometimes I still get triggered in certain situations or by certain sounds, but I can handle that. It also helps me to know that he has now become very careful in his interactions with girls and asks them clearly what they want.”
“It also helps me to know that he has now become very careful in his interactions with girls”
It’s been such a valuable journey
Paula: “This journey has been so valuable. It moves me to hear Sofie talk about it. It’s wonderful that she had the courage to go through with this, that she allowed herself to do this. She now knows that he suffered too, and it helps to see the other perspective. Something happened that she didn’t want, and together they worked through it.”
*The names of those involved have been changed for privacy reasons
