Daphne was stabbed by her ex: “I’ve only now started to be angry”

Almost seven years ago, Daphne’s ex-partner stabbed her. In the Magazine for Restorative Justice (Tijdschrift voor Herstelrecht) in an issue themed around forgiveness, Daphne talks about her process. “I’ve only now started to be angry. And I like it.” A story about forgiveness, and the limits of forgiveness.

“I found it super scary to look him in the eyes again for the first time during the court hearing. So before that time came, I visited him in prison, together with a mediator.” Because of the meeting, Daphne is less afraid to attend the hearing. It also helps her to remember him as human, not as a monster. “I didn’t want to continue with that monstrous image of him in my head, I wanted to leave that behind me.”

Forgiveness
When Daphne runs into her ex years later, she tells him: “I forgive you for what you’ve done and I wish you happiness.” She is adamant about her choice at the time to forgive him for what he did. “If you forgive, that means you’re in control. I really did it for myself.” Not everyone can understand this. “Many people around me were angry about what he did. I wasn’t.”

Anger
Almost a year later, the anger surfaces anyway. “My therapist told me that I should write a letter containing all of my anger. A mess came out that I scared myself with. My anger came out six years later. What I’m still angry about and will remain angry about, are the things I’m still confronted with every day: the consequences. They bother me. But let me be angry. I can tell that it’s helping me.”

Mediation
Daphne is considering starting a mediation with Perspectief again. “The people around me will find that very difficult. It hurts too much for them. Apparently I did everything in my own tempo. But I realize that forgiveness has its limits and that a piece of that probably became a utopia.”