A conversation with the store robber after 25 years: “What have I got to lose?”

The store robbery that Belinda experienced has had a great impact on her life ever since. It even led to physical issues. Now that she has had a conversation with the perpetrator, her life has changed a lot. “I’m very happy I did it. A lot of fear got lifted from my shoulders.” 

It was early morning when Belinda (then 27 years old) opened the doors of the neighborhood supermarket, where she worked as a supervisor. She was alone in the shop; her colleagues were coming in any moment. Suddenly, there were two young men with balaclavas in front of her. “They were asking for money. I did what they wanted and walked with them. They wanted to go to the safe, but I couldn’t open it. At some point, they pushed a gun up against my head. They shouted that they wanted money and were threatening with violence. The whole thing lasted not even 10 minutes, but I literally saw my life flash before my eyes. I thought: I’m finished.” 

“At some point they fled, without taking a lot of money. I called 112 to report what happened to the police. Then, my employer came, who took care of me. We heard that the perpetrators got arrested pretty quickly. At that point, I collapsed. I got help from Victim Support Netherlands and from my employer. After some time, I had a few conversations with a psychologist.” 

Low punishment

“There was a court hearing, which I attended. In that time, you had no right to speak in the courtroom as a victim. The prosecutor told my story. I saw the suspects in the courtroom. They looked very childish and as far as I remember they were laughing about it. I got a letter from one of them in which the perpetrator apologized, in a sort of language that made me think: you did not write this. The punishment they got was very low in my eyes. Especially considering how it all affected me.”

“I got a lot of anxiety from it. When I was in a supermarket, I would feel very tense. But also in spaces where I was not in control, like an airplane or elevator, I was scared. I had this for a long time, I don’t like to fly, and would rather take the stairs than an elevator. In the same year as the robbery, my niece also died. That was too much for me. I was put on sick leave and had to re-educate myself so that I could do other work, at an office as a receptionist. No longer in retail.”

“Last year I had a lot of issues with my health. My blood pressure was way too high, among other things. This was partly because of my lifestyle, but also because of too much stress. My doctor referred me to a psychologist. There, I was able to talk about my fears and anxieties that were caused by the robbery. She proposed EMDR-therapy, but I had my doubts about it. The psychologist, Jacqueline, had also just heard about restorative mediation, and proposed to see whether I could get in contact with the perpetrator. My first reaction was: no way, I’m not doing that, that’s way too scary. That’s why I declined at first. But as I kept hearing more about it, I thought: what have I got to lose? I looked at the website and thought: nothing ventured, nothing gained.” 

“I wasn’t sure yet whether I wanted to meet face-to-face with the perpetrators, but I wanted to know how they were doing and whether they still lived in my area. And the most important thing for me: I wanted to know that they didn’t hurt anyone else. That was the main goal for me. I also wanted them to know what they did to me. That it’s not nothing, what you do to a person when you do a robbery like that. I hoped that my anxiety would reduce when I went to meet the perpetrators.” 

Contact with the perpetrators

After an intake with a mediator from Perspectief Herstelbemiddeling, the mediator tried to contact the perpetrators. Both of them responded. One of them was prepared to meet with Belinda. “I was impressed by that, after such a long time. The other perpetrator wanted to let it rest, he was done with it. I also understand that, after so many years.” 

At first, Belinda didn’t want to meet with the one perpetrator. “I thought it was a little too much for me. I was already happy that the mediator had found him and that he was prepared to talk to me. But I wasn’t exactly excited to meet him. It was once again the anxiety and fear of retribution, how could I even think to rake all of this up again…” She thought about it well and got support from psychologist Jacqueline, who eventually managed to convince her: “If you don’t do it, you will regret it forever”. 

The night before the meeting, Belinda did not sleep well. “There are a lot of things that go through your head. But I also had hope that it would go well. It really helped that mediator Manon had already talked to him and told me some things about it. So it was a bit conflicting for me, on the one hand I was scared, and on the other hand I had faith.” Jacqueline was present during the preparation talks and during the meeting with the perpetrator, to support Belinda. “The meeting took place in a location of Victim Support Netherlands, which felt like a neutral place to both of us.”

The meeting

“I was a bit nervous, but it felt good that Jacqueline and the mediator were there. I wouldn’t have done it on my own. When he came in, he immediately reached out to shake my hand. When someone shakes your hand, it means they’re sorry. I automatically shook his hand. That gave me a good feeling. During the conversation, I could tell him about how the robbery had a big impact on my life, and how my life had changed because of it. This shocked him, I could see it really hit him hard. Then he apologized. I found that so nice, I had not expected that. He was sincere, and I could notice that. We actually kind of clicked, however odd that must sound. We even laughed together. But he also told me what led to him doing what he did. We had a very open conversation, for 45 minutes. It was bizarre.’ 

After the meeting, I felt very calm and relieved. As I drove home, I was able to let go of everything. I was very happy I did it. Looking back, I’m thinking: I wish I had done this 20 years ago. That would’ve saved me a lot of pain. Ever since the meeting I have changed a lot, for the better. I feel happier, and my health improved a lot. My blood pressure has gone back to normal. Of course, I’ve also had to change my lifestyle for that. I chose to get a new job that doesn’t make me feel as stressed. I’ve booked a vacation with some friends, we’re going by plane. I got a tattoo. I used to be too scared for that, too scared of the pain and too scared to surrender to someone else like that.” 

Living life to the fullest

“I would definitely advise others to do it as well. It gave me so much. Now that I’ve seen and heard the perpetrator, I’m not as scared anymore. It’s like I can see more light. And this only proves to me; sometimes what’s in your head is not true at all. The robbery always had a lot of influence on my life. That bit always prevented me from living life to the fullest. To really enjoy life. And that’s so stupid, because you only live once, you know? Now I think, what have you got to lose?”